Sober Sex & Dating After 40 with Lily Shanks / EP 109

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Sober Dating and Intimacy: Rediscovering Connection Without Alcohol

Reimagining Love Without the Bottle

Navigating the world of dating and intimacy while sober can feel daunting—especially if alcohol was once a constant companion in your social or romantic life. Lily Shanks joins hosts Ruby and Susan to unpack the realities, hurdles, and transformative possibilities of sober dating and sex. Drawing from her own journey and coaching experiences, Lily offers insights into building authentic relationships rooted in emotional clarity, self-awareness, and true connection.

From Rock Bottom to Rediscovering Self

For many, the path towards sobriety and authentic connection begins with discomfort and disconnection from oneself. As Lily shares, “Pre law school, I never really felt comfortable in my own skin… I found my validation through your praise, through your approval.” This reliance on external affirmation and alcohol left her feeling unmoored and disconnected from her true desires. It wasn’t until she hit rock bottom at 37 that Lily embarked on sobriety—a journey that, while painful, offered the gift of self-discovery.

Ruby echos this sentiment: only after removing alcohol did their passions, purpose, and true potential begin to surface. Ruby noted, "It just wasn’t available to me until I got alcohol free. I couldn’t figure that out for the life of me."

The Challenges of Sober Dating

Transitioning to sober dating brings unique challenges. After years of associating romance with alcohol—from first dates over drinks to seeing alcohol as a social lubricant—it’s normal to feel anxious or exposed without it. Lily urges, “I don’t suggest just diving into dating on day three or even day 90…Reconnecting with or for the first time, connecting with yourself and what it feels like, what it looks like to live without alcohol.” Building a firm foundation in sobriety is essential before venturing into sober relationships.

For many, the temptation arises to seek validation or identity through a new partner—risking the replacement of one dependency with another. Ruby reflected, “So many people... just jumped into a relationship in the first three to six months of their alcohol-free journey, and then… they just become who they were.” Both Lily and Ruby recommend prioritizing self-knowledge and empowerment before seeking romantic entanglements, ensuring relationships grow from genuine compatibility rather than old patterns.

Sober Sex: Busting Myths and Building Intimacy

A major concern for the newly sober is intimacy and sex without alcohol. Lily debunks the myth: “The biggest misconception about sober sex is that it’s really awkward and weird.” In reality, alcohol often led to more awkward, disconnected experiences, while sober sex allows for deeper communication, vulnerability, and genuine connection. Ruby adds, “Alcohol deadens our senses... When you get alcohol-free, your senses and feelings are out there—well, it’s just better.”

However, Lily cautions that old patterns—like rushed intimacy or transactional expectations—can persist even in sobriety. Sober dating creates space for discernment, preventing you from falling into bed with someone who isn’t a real fit. Susan observes, “As Ruby talked about, which also really helps in that department...make sure that there is that spark.”

Tips for Joyful Sober Dating

Ready to start dating? Lily suggests reframing dates away from alcohol-centered environments. Opt for coffee meet-ups, walks, hikes, or interactive activities (museums, bowling, roller skating)—anything that fosters genuine conversation and shared experience. Lily recounts a favorite first date at a science museum, which allowed for laughter and natural connection: “It gave us interaction without having to sit across the table and just stare at each other and sip coffee.”

Ruby recommends initial coffee dates for establishing chemistry, followed by more adventurous or active second dates. Setting boundaries, knowing your values, and being clear about what kind of relationship you seek are crucial steps in ensuring healthy connections.

Sober Partnerships: Rediscovering and Redefining Intimacy

What if you’re already married or partnered? Shifting to sober intimacy can be nerve-wracking but also invigorating. Susan shares, “When we first did it, my husband was like, ‘I’m nervous.’” Rediscovering each other, laughing together, and being open about desires and vulnerabilities foster a new level of closeness. Lily sums up, “There’s so much more to sex than the act. Intimacy, laughing together, talking about dreams—to me, is intimate.”

Relationships may improve dramatically with better communication, or couples may face the realization that some partnerships were built on unhealthy foundations. Emotional sobriety and candid dialogue are the keys to navigating these changes.

Hope for the Future: Shifting Social Norms

As the sober movement grows—especially among younger generations—Lily expresses optimism for a future where alcohol-free dating is normalized, and authentic connection takes center stage. She dreams of relationships “morphing more into real life than on screen,” and communities forming around shared, healthy activities.

Living Lit Without Alcohol

At its core, sober dating and intimacy offer the chance to truly see and be seen, to love and be loved without the numbing or distortion of substances. Lily finds her greatest joy in “being able to look into the eyes of the people that I love unconditionally and to tell them, I love you.” Sober relationships invite us to build bonds anchored in presence, honesty, and wholehearted connection.

Ready to discover what real connection feels like—with yourself and others? Sober dating may be the adventure you’ve been looking for.
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Website for Ruby Williams at Freedom Renegade Coaching https://www.freedomrenegadecoaching.com/

Follow Coach Ruby: @rubywilliamscoaching
Email: [email protected]

Grab your copy of our FREE WineFree Weekend Guide to help you on your alcohol free journey. https://www.freedomrenegadecoaching.com/WineFreeWeekend